…last night this is what I remember
The whole family gathered around Jacob. The most difficult night without question in my entire life. I think the hardest thing was seeing my sister and BIL, Jacob’s parents, having to go through what has to be the hardest thing any parent could possibly imagine. I wish I could forget the sight of him with oxygen tubes and hearing his labored breathing. We stayed through the night that seemed to go on for days. I think it was around 5 am that I went down to Paige’s room and crawled into bed to sleep for awhile with her. At 7:30 I woke up and went back upstairs and was told that our sweet Jacob had passed away just 10 minutes earlier and that Tammy and Brian were spending some time alone in their bedroom. I remember wanting so badly to go in and just hug my sister. I remember the kids waking up and wondering how on earth they could possibly understand this. The funeral arrangements were made that morning and I struggled to write the following e-mail to the hundreds of people around the world who had been praying for Jacob:
Date: 3/31/04
Subject: Precious Jacob
Dearest Friends and Family,
This is Jacob’s Aunt Shawny writing to update you on our precious Jacob. This morning at 7:20 am Jacob was received into the loving arms of Jesus from the arms of his loving earthly parents.
I wanted to ask for your continued prayers for Brian & Tammy and little Paige & Corbin. The incredible number of people who have been praying for our family over the past few months have meant so much to all of us. God has certainly answered our prayers in ways many of us barely dared to hope for. I can’t even put into words how incredibly blessed we have been to know baby Jacob for this short time that he had here on earth. As an extended family we’ve been so proud to be “Jacob’s Aunt (Grampy, Oma…)” that most of us carry a portfolio of pictures around everywhere we go just hoping to see someone who wants to see our precious little baby Jacob. For those of you who have only known Brian & Tammy through their e-mail updates I want you to know first of all that baby Jacob could not have been born into a more loving and faithful family. If you feel as though you want to give Brian & Tammy a hug, know that your prayers, communications and love has accomplished that throughout this entire journey. Thank you for your obedience to God in “loving your neighbor as yourself” and know that those of us who are able are giving hugs in abundance.
Tammy has allowed me to attach for you her journal entry from yesterday. Please continue to pray for this dear family as they face the difficult days ahead.
From a Mother’s Heart
Never before have I been surrounded by and uplifted by so many people, yet I don’t think I have ever felt so alone at the same time. So many people who love, pray for and help care for baby Jacob…but only I am his mom. At the end of the day when the helpers leave, he is in my arms…my responsibility. People can catch a glimpse into my reality and then they can go about their own routines and carry on with life. I know those of you who have gone through life’s trials can relate to that feeling. The world goes on around you but you feel frozen in time.
Hour after hour, day after day and now week after week I sit and rock and gaze at Jacob. At times I feel so privileged to be chosen by God to be his mom! In other moments I can feel burdened and helpless. As I know many of you can imagine, we go through a roller coaster of emotions in our home. Even today, as I watched Jacob struggle to breathe freely, my first instinct as a mom was to call the doctor or rush him to the hospital. But for baby Jacob, we called Hospice.
For the first time today, we discussed and ordered oxygen and morphine for Jacob. He is still quite peaceful and breathes normally at times, but he has also had many instances of labored breathing today. The word morphine and a 19 day old infant don’t fit together in anyone’s mind. Just the word brought tears to our eyes today. Although we anticipated this path as best we could when we left the hospital, the reality now is of course overwhelming.
Even through all of this, my testimony remains the same…My only comfort in life and in death is that I am not my own but belong body and soul to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ (all those catechism classes did come in handy mom and dad!). Without that assurance, we could not go through this experience with the peace that we do have.
On the way home last night I heard the song ‘Sweet By and By’ (at least I think that’s the name). It’s what I want to remember as I think about Jacob today.
Wow. Again you have brought tears to my eyes, Shawn….And again you have made me smile through those tears, for the beauty and grace and love that your entire family displayed through such a heartbreaking time. You all have an amazing gift of spirit, and it raises mine when I see those expressions of love for a very special child…a child who has touched more hearts in a few short days than many who live for decades longer….
Very beautiful tribute to your nephews memory. My thoughts are with you and your family as this anniversary goes by.
Oh Shawn…I’ve got tears…
Wow you brought me to tears. My heart goes out to you and your family at this time.
Oh to hold him again! That will be heaven! We have been blessed with more beautiful little ones but never have we felt more blessed to be holding them when you know you will have them as they grow. We had to pack a lifetime of hugs into too short a time. Listening to the song “Held” my thought just now was that maybe the warm feeling that we felt was God holding us while we were holding Jacob. We could not have gone through this without HIM. MOM and Jacob’s GRAMMY.
(((huge hugs))) for your whole family!!!!
oh shawn ****hug hugs***. You are such an amazing woman
I will NEVER forget that night, and the day after! And I am so glad that I have so many pictures, so I never forget a thing about him!!
thanks for sharing shawn! Been thinking about your whole family today, most especially the VBs. tears just rolling down my cheeks thinking about sweet jacob and feeling so privileged that i know tammy and brian and that i met little jacob. i will never forget what it felt like to hold that little piece of heaven. so sweet!
god bless you all!
mel :)
OH man Shawn! Because you had scrapped this entire story so incredibly beautifully and shared it with us, of course I will never forget Jacob. Sending hugs your way sweetie and be sure to hug your sweet sister for me!!!!
Wow Shawn – I can’t type through my tears here – your words here are sooo very powerful and heartfelt. Hugs to you and your family – you are all amazing.
Shawn, you and your entire family are in my prayers today. Thank you for having the courage to share Jacob’s story. It is because of that, that I will hug my girls a little longer and little tighter today. Thank you. (hugs)
I think I could have kept strong w/o tears if you hadn’t have had that Natalie Grant song playing too. Ah, girl, how is your sister and her husband?
Oh my, how does one even reply to this :( I just completely sobbed over this entry. Something I just can’t even imagine going through. Lots of love and prayers going your way today and for all your family. Thanks for the heartfelt entry and the beautiful song!
what powerful images and testimony to God’s pure love. Jacob is beautiful. The strength of his parents (and extended family) is astounding….
God blessed all of you, and He continues to do so.
Once more I’m writing to you with tears in my eyes. I remember Jacob and his story very well and will never forget him.
reading your memory of that very sad day makes my heart grieve, and tammy’s journal post just broke it. i cannot imagine what it feels like to lose a child, her honesty, faith and strength are amazing. to have that peace, that surpasses all understanding is wonderful and i know she is comforted by it, but i want to send a ((HUG)) to her and your family.
we are missing jacob along with you.
Shawn you have such a beautiful gift of expression and writing combined with art. It’s so amazing! God has truely given you amazing talents and you use them so well and bless so many people along the way. Sending you a great big hug!!
Shawn,
I have gotten an insight into your amazing family and I know that your family has been a bright shining light in those of need of God’s grace and love. Bless you all. We can only imagine what it will be like to meet Jacob in the kingdom of God.
Such an amazing and beautiful tribute. I am always so touched by your writing and LOs about Jacob. Thanks for sharing his story Shawn.
*hugs*
Beautiful little baby Jacob. ((hugs)) to your family Shawn. Thank you for sharing your e-mail and your sister’s journal entry. I know that little Jacob is smiling down on everyone. :)
Wow Shawn. My heart is just aching right now after reading this post. Jacob’s story is so amazing. It’s so heartbreaking, yet uplifting at the same time. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family and with sweet baby Jacob. *biggest hugs*
This is my first time to your blog and you have touched me in a way that no other blog ever has. I couldn’t imagine going through something so painful. I have tears in my eyes and am so thankful to have my girl’s next to me right now. You have just gained another blog reader in me.
*BIG hugs to you all*
I’m thinking of you and your family during this hard anniversary!
Thank you again for sharing Jacob’s sweet story with us. I’ve got goosebumps and KNOW that he is in heaven watching over you all. I will be thinking and praying for your family through this time of sacred remeberance.
I’m sitting here crying reading about Jacob and it reminds me of my own story when my sweet baby Colin passed away at 3 days old. Its been over a year now since Colin went to heaven but the pain is just as intense today as it was then. Prayers for your family during this time.
Oh, tears! I know I’m late commenting – but I’m sending hugs to you. What a beautiful life – not only Jacob’s, but your entire family. May God continue to comfort you all with the knowledge that Jacob is worshipping his Creator unhindered by human flesh — face to face with The Almighty. (wow, can you imagine?!) Many hugs to you all, Shawn.
i am so sorry for your family’s loss. i cannot imagine the kind of pain you all have been through and are still experiencing. my heart goes out to you and your wonderful loving family.
Thank you for sharing about your beautiful son.