sensitive
…lately
near tears
…constantly
sad
…alot
even with an adorable new puppy. :(
And I don’t know if it’s just that the stuff of life…the sad stuff, the stressful stuff, the frustrating stuff…is all just getting to me? Maybe the living alone thing is just starting to feel lonelier. Although the new puppy should help with that shouldn’t it? Still I wake up sad every day. The thing is, for the most part nothing has changed the last couple of weeks that I SHOULD feel so sad. I mean there’s plenty to be sad about but none of it is really new. And still in comparison it’s so minor compared to what others go through in life. When I’m down though it doesn’t SEEM minor. It feels hopeless. Hopelessness is a really tough thing. You can go through a lot of rough stuff but if you have even just a glimmer of hope that things will be okay in the end it can make all the difference in the world.
Like I said, it’s not that anything bad has happened to cause the sadness. In some ways I should probably feel more optimistic about the future. It’s just the getting from here to there is hard. So hard. And time, long lengths of time, is what adds to the feelings of hopelessness.
It’s not that there aren’t happy moments. I love having Pixel here to hang out with me and make me laugh and cuddle with me. Going out for ice cream or a night hanging out in my favorite area of Grand Rapids eating at our favorite hang out, those things lift me up. The sweet comments that people leave on my blog lift me up (even if they’re just gushing about Pixel). :) I still put on that happy face though. It’s still a masquerade. My posts here are still mostly fluff. They’re real but they’re not the whole picture.
Because lately I cry. Alot. And you wouldn’t know it from reading my blog. Or even from seeing me in person or spending time with me. In those situations I smile. And usually because at that moment I actually am happy. It’s when I go to bed each night that I’m sad. And waking up each morning I’m sad. I tear up over just about anything. Like reading this post on a blog I recently discovered. I think I cried straight through Brothers & Sisters Sunday night. A song on the radio. The Bachelor finale – yup, cried then too.
Ya know how sometimes you just don’t wanna hear someone else’s story of how they have the same problem/issue? Like you just want people to let you have your moment of self-pity? Well, totally not the case here. I just wanna feel like I’m not some crazy sad person. Like there are lots of people who get these feelings, explainable or unexplainable. Please tell me you’ve felt like this. Tell me your story. Tell me what you do to pick yourself back up. Make me feel like this is normal and it’ll pass. I just want to be happy. The kind of happiness that lasts. The kind that gives hope.
Another post with no photos. I have been keeping up the photo-a-day thing better though and I started one of pixel, at least while she’s a growing puppy to remember just how tiny she was when I got her. I’ll include a few songs again instead. The first two make me tear up lately (surprise surprise) and the third is just one of my favorites at the moment.
Finally got in some fabric I’d been waiting for last night so I’ll be sewing a bit today to finish up some orders and going into the office this afternoon. I can take Pixel with me to this office so I’m sure she’ll enjoy that. It’s a gorgeous sunny day. The lawn’s freshly cut at the apartments. I get to spend part of my day being creative. Should be a happy day right?
Shawn, I love you!!! I know what you are going through is tough. It will get easier. I wish the people who are making you feel this way could see, but they don’t. I will pray for you. Lean on Him and things will get easier in time. Lean on your friends and sister, we are here for you, always!! No matter what. Need to talk, call. Need to cry, I have a shoulder (you can use both). I will cry with you. It doesn’t seem like it now, but someday you will look back and know you had the strength to get through. And your true friends and family will still be by your side. Love, J.
Hey my dear sweet friend….you know I am sending hugs and prayers..tons of them!!!!!!!
P.S…..and for sure you are not the only one feeling the ways you do about things…that hopeless feeling is the worst..but remember that God takes a hopeless situation and can turn it around..maybe not the way we want, but in His timing and ways…His timing is perfect. Definitely there is HOPE…I am soo sorry Shawn..it will get better. Keep Pixel close by for hugs!!!!
You don’t know me at all. I am a luker to your blog but your post shook me because I have been where you are. I know what it feels like. I also know that you don’t have to stay there.
Go see your doctor. Tell him/her what is going on. You don’t have to feel like this. I do know exactly what you are going though. My motto is better living though chemistry. Antidepressants changed my life. They really did. I know some people have a problem with the concept of having to take a pill everyday. But if it makes your life a better place to be, I can’t see how taking a pill everyday is alot to ask.
Brain chemistry is such a strange thing. And the concept that if you take a pill that replaces something in your chemistry that is suppost to be there in the first place really blows my mind. But I do know that it works. So please, go see a doctor, get help. As my husband says “Sometimes God sends help though third parties”.
Hmm. I know this feeling oh so well. I can be very good at hiding it myself.
Depression, for me, is like a total blankness. When I go through a bout of depression, and someone asks me to describe how I’m feeling, all I can manage is “blank.” Maybe it’s also the hopelessness you’re describing. It robs you of so many things – enjoying anything you’re used to enjoying, a will to get up in the morning, the ability to do your daily things…it’s almost debilitating.
The previous poster is right. You don’t have to stay this way and you should get some additional help (both therapeutic and medicine) to help you cope.
Hugs to you,
Crystal
Oh Sweetie. This is breaking my heart! You can get through it. I KNOW you can. There are sooo many people who LOVE you, and want nothing other than to see you happy! TRULY happy! Please tell me what I can do to help. And know that you have my full support in whatever you decide to do. You will make the best decisions for YOU!!
Love you~
Shawn,
I do not know you, but I’ve been reading your blog for at least a year. I’ve been wanting to comment lately but haven’t found the time to do so (and I don’t have a lot of time right now before I have to get ready for work, but I just had to comment today.) :0) I do not know exactly what you’re going through, but I think I have an idea, and I think your ultrasensitivity and crying all the time is TOTALLY normal.
My mom (and very best friend) passed away just three months before my wedding last fall. She was the one person in my life (besides my now husband) that I talked with about every detail of my life. I didn’t truly start the grief process until after our honeymoon, and boy did I grief! I put that smile on my face when out in public, too, but at home I was a mess!! I still cry, but the tears come less often. There was a time just a few months ago where I was going to get help, and possibly antidepressants, but just never found the time. I can tell you now that I’m doing better.
I think what you’re doing is grieving and it’s something you have to go through. It makes me sad to think that people have turned their backs on you. I have been praying for you and your family. Keep doing the things you enjoy, keep loving your adorable new puppy and keep crying……get it out! I feel it’s necessary for you to move on. And if you think you need it, go talk with a professional.
Just wanted to let you know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers, Lori
I am sooo with Kim on this! We love you and have known you for years! We all are cheering for you in all that you do! And whatever you decide, you know will be the best thing! That hopelessness is not from God..so lean on your family, friends, us….and we will do all we can to give you the love and support and encouragment you need to get through anything. I think even the people who seem to have their lives “together” still fall apart. And I truly think it’s normal. So don’t feel ‘unnormal’ here. HUGS babes!
Shawn,
Please keep this mantra in mind: “I’m doing a good job of taking care of myself and I will be happy again.” Whatever you’re going through can’t be easy and from reading your blog (I’m a long-time lurker) I can tell you’re a thoughtful sensitive person. Troubles WILL affect you, but you will grow through it.
However, as a long-time depression sufferer, I echo what others have said. Your condition might be “actute” (short-term, normal human reaction to events in your life) or “chronic” (long-term, ongoing struggles with certain feelings, especially in the area of self-esteem.).
Either short- or long-term depression one can affect your brain chemistry, and medication might be one resource to explore. Must the same way a diabetic needs insulin, if you’re brain chemistry is slightly “out of order” you might benefit from medication. Staying with the diabetic analogy….medicine isn’t the only thing they need, diabetics also need to learn other ways to take care of their lives, through food choices, etc. People with depression can be helped by medication, but as well need to learn to take care of their lives through emotional choices, thought patterns etc.
One of the best books I ever read on depression was “Darkness Visible” by William Styron (author of Sophie’s CHoice and other books). I’ve recommended that book to my friends and family, because he does a much better job of articulating some of my feelings as someone who suffers from depression that I ever could.
I know so much the feeling of putting on a mask….and trying to convince everyone else who thought I “should” or “could” be happy if I’d just look at a situation through their eyes. HAHAHA. Doesn’t work that easily, does it??? That feeling of hopelessness is a veil, and I hope your time behind it will be brief. It doesn’t make you feel better when your lost in unhappiness and guilt, but please remember that there IS a brighter world on the other side of the unhappiness veil and that you will be there again. Hopelessness is one thing; giving up is another.
Please let me know if there’s anything I can do….sometimes it’s easier to “vent” to a stranger!! I’m here if you need someome.
Oh my goodness, I was going to send you a link to “Praise you in this storm.” I love that song. What I do when I am feeling particularly sad is listen to music.
Honestly, I also sleep. I have the most horrible stress/sadness reaction. I sleep. As a way to retreat from the real world I’d imagine. It is not even remotely helpful but alas, I just cannot help it.
Please remember that this too shall pass. I know that it sounds trite, but it is true. Time will heal the pain you are feeling. You and your little blog bring a bright spot of happiness into my day, fluff or no. I am always here to return the favor. Always.
Hey, call me. You know I share your story.
*hugs* I love you!
love, me <>
I know that things are so lousy for you right now, but I read your blog & the comments and I can’t help but notice how truly blessed you are. I know that you don’t have all that your heart desires and some really crappy things have happened in the not so distant past, but look at how many INCREDIBLE friends you have. People flock to you because you are such a bright and warm light. Most of them are inspired by your incredible talent to digi-scrap all the loves in your life. And some find your craftiness for making purses just amazing. Either way, I believe that everyone that has visited your site keeps coming back because you are an incredible person.
I am always praying for you and of course I am always available to listen. I have watched you become an incredibly strong woman of God and I know that you will continue to grow into His likeness.
God loves you and I love you, too! (Sorry if that got a little cheesy, but I felt that it needed to be said) :)
Oh Shawn, my heart goes out to you. It’s hard to be happy sometimes when you really really want to be. I sometimes wonder what my purpose is here on earth anyway, is it really just to raise my boys and take photos? Isn’t there something more for me to do? Then I feel like a failure for no real reason. Sometimes those feelings do overtake me and I just keep thinking tomorrow will be better, my mood will change tomorrow, something will put a smile on my face and I will feel worthy again… tomorrow.
You are a talented person and you bring smiles to so many people. I hope you are feeling better soon(sometimes a chocolate shake helps me, lol).
This post mirrors my life right now. It took me a while to admit how really sad I was because I felt like it meant I was crazy or weak. Every part of me feels so heavy sometimes. Just moving through the day is more that it feels like I can bear. Some days I only feel sad a few hours. Other days I feel sad all day and into the next. You are not alone Shawn. I thought I was alone too, but after posting about it on my blog, I see that I’m not. Give yourself whatever you need while you go through this. I’m living it too. I always told others who felt this way to chose to be happy. Now I can see how wrong I was. No one would chose to feel like this. We have to give ourselves time and listen to the little voice inside of us. It will tell us what is wrong if we give it space. I’m going to meditate right now and send some light your way.
I eagerly read each and every post on your blog; even in those times of personal trials, you have an uncanny ability express the beauty you see in your everyday world. It is an absolute gift, and I feel lucky to have had your blog, your layouts, and your style brighten my “me-time” on the computer for the past few years. Today I felt such heartache when I read your post. I think I might know a little of what you are feeling. I agree with the others who advised going to talk to someone. I pride myself on being pretty strong personally, but when I was in the midst of the demise of an early marriage, I finally broke down and went to talk to a counselor. I SO worried about being perceived as weak or crazy, but ultimately I discovered that what I really needed was nothing more than a sympathethic ear, someone who could commiserate and objectively say “Of course you are stressed. Who wouldn’t be if all that were going on in their life?” In my case, that made all the difference in the world. For other people, there are other answers, but they all start with an objective listener. I guess what I’m saying (albeit poorly) is that once I finally allowed my weaknesses to show, I found renewed strength. You will find that strength, too..
If ever, ever, EVER you need an sympathetic ear from a “virtual” stranger, please let me know. I would love to give back to you, who has offered me so much without even knowing it…. Be well, and tomorrow will be better. You have lots of people, friends and strangers alike, who care for you a great deal and we all want to see you happy again very soon.
I can’t tell you how I understand your feelings, because only you know how and when it hurts. I remember after I had my first son. I had so much problems in my marital life and a new life in US. I felt really bad and I could not move on without medicine. It helped a bit, but I am not sure if was the medicine or me that made things get better. I can’t tell. Today I have my moody days. They increase a lot when I have my pms. It’s difficult to balance and think on those days. I’ve been praying a lot and thinking positive. I wish you get well and figure a way to get off the problem.
My best wishes!
This too shall pass, Shawna. Don’t fight it.These are the tough times you need to go through for you to become a stronger, happier person. I have been there too, and now I am grateful for those lesser moments in my life. This too shall pass.
Love you to pieces,
Nancy
There are some pretty smart people that have commented on here, and they truly care for you. Your blog has opened up a side to you that from another state I can feel and truly love. I know you are struggling, but each day is a gift, a new chance to sit in the sun and take some time for YOU. Now is where you need to do things for yourself that you have denied all these years. I am proud to be the cousin of such a wonderful and strong woman. You will get through this, and only time can heal. If I could give you a big ‘ole hug right now I would. Keep talking; keep listening to that still small voice. You will be okay, I know you will. We will all here to help pick you back up should you need us.
love ya,~Jenn
Oh, Shawn!
If you didn’t cry, I’d be worried about you.
You have a lot going on, this is rightfully normal!
I wish I had good words for you. All I can say is I am thinking about you and praying for you!
I know all too well what it is like… there was a time that I was very very clean… I found that I could sneak away for a shower and cry my heart out and no one would know :) I lived for my showers so I could release what was pent up inside of me.
Shawn~I cant tell you I know what you are going through-because I don’t. But-I have been sad like you before-just didn’t want to get out of bed. You will find something to live for-something that makes you forget that sad part in your heart.
You are in my thoughts-daily. You hold a special place in my heart!!
you’re wonderful and i love you. BIG HUGS