I think my last post maybe should’ve come with a warning label. Thank you all SO much for your comments. Even the less wordy ones. Truthfully those made me feel better about my comments on other people’s blogs, I was starting to get intimidated by all of the eloquent comments left here. LOL I feel like I don’t deserve to have such amazing people surrounding me.

In regards to those who have turned their backs, yup, it hurt deeply. And I’m sure they feel deeply hurt by their disappointments in me. Unfortunately there’s no handbook on how to deal with some of the messes I’ve made.

As far as what to post and how open to be here on my blog, I’m still quite undecided. I think at least on some level I need to be more open but maybe this isn’t the forum to air everything that I struggle with. So many of you had such great advice so I’m just taking it all in and trying to figure out what it means to be real in this forum. I’m also weighing the advantages of maybe making someone else feel less alone against the scary-ness of being that vulnerable and exposed. I just don’t want to feel like a phoney on my blog. But I also have zero desire to dredge up the past. My goal is to move forward but to be genuine about who I am and where I’m at in this crazy journey of life.

Anyway, enough about that for now because my life is certainly not consumed by my failures from the past. At times, yes it is but I also have so much to be thankful for and so much to look forward to. And not that I didn’t realize it before but way up there on my list of things to be thankful for are those of you who continue to read my blog even when it gets so heavy at times and not only that but take the time to be so encouraging and kind through your comments and emails. 

So, on a lighter note (and because it kills me to post here without something visual) has everyone seen this? I’ve seen it on a few blogs, most recently on Sarah’s I think. This is my Visual DNA. You can click on the links below it to see the fun little book with little tabs for the different areas covered. It’s amazing to me how accurate it is just from seeing which pictures speak to you from the choices given. There’s also a link at the bottom to try it yourself. Do it, it’s fun. :)

So my sister and I were talking the other day about songs we’ve heard on the radio recently. I have always been drawn to music and somehow it seems that hearing lyrics in a song can be so much more powerful (for me) than reading them in a book or hearing them spoken in church. Anyway, our discussion led me to a song by Casting Crowns that I immediately knew I had to scrap as sort of a journal for how I’m feeling the past few months. I wish I had the gift of journaling in my own words but for now I’m just happy to know there are others who feel the same way and can put my own thoughts into such eloquent words/lyrics for me.

I know you’re all shocked that I actually completed another scrapbook page. I know I am. So here’s what I came up with…

CREDITS HERE

Hopefully you can read the lyrics. If not there’s a link below to Casting Crowns website and the name of the song is the title of my post.

This song has me really thinking about how vague and somewhat guarded I’ve been the past 6 months or so about what’s been going on in my life. This blog has been such a big part of my life for so many reasons and yet lately I feel like it’s become rather hollow. Sortof a swiss cheese style journal of my life with big spaces where all the real stuff is taking place. Some of those holes are filled with pain. Others are filled with happiness. Is this blog a safe place to talk about the real stuff? It’s a big question because the real stuff…the mistakes that I’ve made in life, the decisions I’ve made for my future and the direction I’ve chosen…the process of those decisions and the exposing of those mistakes have had such a huge impact on my relationships outside of this blog. People who have known me my entire life have turned their back on me.

How then would people who’ve never even met me other than through this blog react to knowing my failures in life?  Like the song says, would they walk away? As others have? I guess what I’ve come to realize is that those relationships that I’ve lost over exposing the real me, failures and all, were never really true relationships to start with. And the relationships that I still have are stronger than they’ve ever been because there’s a safety and security in knowing that those I still hold close will love me no matter what. I hope they know that they have that same safety and security in me. I am so thankful for their friendships. Definitely more to say on that but it deserves a post of it’s own.

So I’m struggling with the thoughts of being more exposed here on the blog where I’ve met so many amazing people and made so many great friends. Is it an appropriate place to talk about such personal struggles in life? It can be pretty lonely feeling like the only failure. Maybe by writing about things here I would find that I’m not so alone. Maybe by writing about things here someone who reads it would feel less alone.

I really liked what Mark Hill of Casting Crowns (at least I believe that’s who the quote is from) has to say about exposing our weaknesses on the Casting Crowns website…

"I don’t think it bothers the world that we sin. I think it bothers the world that we act like we don’t. There are times that instead of being myself and exposing my own weakness and hurt, I portray a character of the person that I know I should be. But when I expose myself as weak and frail at times, it frees the Body of Christ to restore me as it should and invites others to unmask as well."

And a verse from the ones listed on their site that struck me was this…

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

So what are your thoughts? Is this an appropriate place to expose personal failures and weaknesses? Is it a safe place to be exposed? Or should I start a separate blog that’s password protected where only those interested in reading or discussing the stuff beyond the fluff could go? That’s another option I’ve been toying around with. Although I think it sort of goes against the whole message of the song and the thoughts that prompted this whole post in the first place.